The Newest Oldest Dragonmark

Chapter 5: Make Zolanberg Great Again

Part 1

Our rugged adventurers, having been all knocked out by Kelly the Skinreaper aboard the Elemental Express, wake up safe and sound in the Economy Class car, the train having now stopped in Zolanberg. The party members soon learn from Astrid that the flashes of silver they saw as they slipped into dreamland were in fact Astrid’s chrome armor and warmhammer making short work of the strange skeleton creature. She is not impressed at the party’s inability to cope with the simple tasks that she gives them. Enzo takes over as Astrid disappears in a puff of disappointment.

Enzo hands out his customary items to the party but it’s clear he’s distressed about something. Before he leaves, he asks them a favour: “If you see Larry, tell him I found the tree and they know.”

The party wanders into Zolanberg and is met by a Department of Tourism Dwarf that hands out maps to the town. She also slips in a political pamphlet promoting a mayoral candidate named “Ebby Leeway” with the slogan “Make Zolanberg Great Again”.

The adventurers make their way to the BonBon District with a clue from Astrid about the recruiting ring operating in the Jimmy Jam Club.After looting a number of closed stores in the district for clothing, they enter the Club dressed in nightwear (Itachi sneaks in through the back to avoid the cover charge and, frankly, because he can).

After a few of our heroes check their equipment, scope out the joint, and have a few drinks, they start to investigate the club. They meet the bartender, She-Bird, and gather that something shady is going on in the basement. Smalls, Mikaelo, and Kelennia investigate the manager’s office and meet Lorna, the elven manager and owner of the Jimmy Jam Club. She explains to them that times are tough right now due to some shitty investment antics from Ebby Leeway and that she needs to lease out her basement to the SHMISIS recruiting ring just to stay afloat. With a combination of Smalls’ silver tongue and Kelennia and Mikaelo’s impressive presence in the room, Lorna agrees to allow them downstairs under the promise of some sort of financial reward.
On the way down to the basement, the trio from the manager’s office are met by Water Bear, a dwarven druid who has a strong interest in joining SHMISIS, although the party can’t tell exactly why. He needs help, he explains, passing the written exam. The party agrees to help him, out of what seems largely like pity. He takes a strong liking to Mikaelo and sticks close to him for the rest of the night.

The party moves past Clefty the Bouncer and down to the basement. What they see is a largely dwarven group of people lining up to take a written test as a SHMISIS captain (also a dwarf) observes the potential new recruits. The party nabs a test each and fills out their answers, to the best of their ability. A few don’t pass the test, although Water Bear does an excellent job thanks to the large amount of group Message-ing that happens. He warms to Mikaelo even more.

After the few party members that don’t pass are asked to leave (and promptly turn invisible in order to re-enter the room), there is a strange game of dwarves vs. non-dwarves Red Rover where, if your knees touch the ground, you’re kicked out. However, only non-dwarves are actually asked to leave when they’re “out”; everyone else is physically removed.

Miguera, after waiting patiently with a somewhat absent (and probably still buzzed) Yonye, decides to take matters into her own hands. With some telepathic help from Itachi, she manages to both knock out the captain in secret and take his place before anyone notices.

In an attempt to save her friends from being removed from SHMISIS entirely, she agrees to take them to “the warehouse”. Itachi, Kelennia, and Smalls are all restrained and frog-marched over to the industrial district with Yonye not far behind, still invisible. Mikaelo was eliminated from the recruiting process and is now nowhere to be found. Water Bear joined the other dwarves who were eliminated, presumably to continue the recruiting process.

When the party reaches the Old MacDonald Warehouse, they’re greeted with a terrifying sight: floors upon floors of Gnomes, all of them restrained, all of them chipping away at small blocks of rock, all of them looking horribly, horribly sad.


- Smalls pulls out another one of his disguises, a Gnome Alchemist with an accent so thick no one could understand him. His attempt to sell rotting hotdogs to a poor meat merchant is unsuccessful, so he sneaks off and murders the merchant instead

- Yonye and Kelennia get their shopping-spree-montage on and steal an absurd amount of clothing

- Miguera leaves a gold piece at one store in exchange for a small t-shirt for Dracob, which reads “I’d love to grab a drink but I can’t I’m a Miner”

- Mikaelo and Miguera invent a secret handshake to pass the time while theivery and murder happens

- the party changes into several sleeping outfits once they realize that the Jimmy Jam club has a sleepwear dresscode

- Yonye and Itachi try to have a heart-to-heart with Miguera, who becomes visibly upset at the sight of She-Bird. Miguera instead acts like a little bit of a dick and refuses comfort, which pisses Yonye off

- Mikaelo is too lawful to pass the SCHMISIS test and leaves with classic stoicism

- at the end of the battle, Miguera (disguised as the captain) asks Yonye (still invisible) to take Dracob and follow their unconscious party members. Yonye instead hides near the stairs and watches as Miguera cuts out the unconscious captain’s tongue, uses a Healing Word to stop the bleeding, and writes a note that insinuates an Aarakocra did this evil deed.

- After doing that though Miguera still has some of the highest honour in the group (aw yiss)

What will happen next time? Will Miguera explain what her strange beef was with the bird lady at the bar? Will Mikaelo turn up to save the day? Will Kelennia bail on her new bouncer gig without even getting paid for the half hour that she actually worked??? Find out next time on SNOWY’S ANGELS.


DMikael Miguera

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