The Newest Oldest Dragonmark

Chapter 6: Linette
Part 2

Our heroes, feeling forced and depleted, settle down for the night. As Gilean reboots from his “slumber,” he notices a figure creeping around the camp. Upon confronting it, the party is met by Roguish Rob, a not-so-roguish halfling bent on making a deal with the party.

Rob offers his services (which consist largely of an incredibly adept version of the Thaumaturgy cantrip that allows him to cast his voice to many places simultaneously) to help the party get through the epicenter of the Yünkjarr’d in exchange for a princely sum. Smalls begrudgingly gathers gold from the party (although some are more reticent than others) and pays Rob what he wants. Soon, Miguera magically modifies his memories to believe he’s been paid much more after which he stops asking for money.

Smalls finally completes his transformation into a merman: his gills flap in the breeze, fully-formed and able to sense the slight variances of gasses in the air and, when submerged, in the water. He does, however, feel an extreme thirst that never seems to fade.

The party sneaks through the first section of the epicenter while a dull, bassy hum fills the air: the sound of the Source Beast’s breathing. A few clumsy missteps later and the Beast awakens but the party has reached the exact center of the field of Yünklah and see The Source, a rectangular prism with a dull red glow. Gilean feels a tingle and his confidence soars. Anyone who comes in contact with the Source feels strange for a moment as their memory flashes back and they’re left with an out-of-body feeling like waking up from a dream.
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The Beast is awake and hunting our heroes! The battle is over in less than a minute but it’s one of the most eventful yet:
> Smalls and Itachi pack up the Source before Itachi takes off after the escaping Roguish Rob and ties him up
> Miguera and Tony Dimension Door the hell on out of there and return as mighty dragon and rider to knock over Yünklah and crush Source Beasts
> Kai-El cleverly harnesses his natural abilities and summons a lightning storm above the Source Beast, calling lightning down to repeatedly fry its circuitry and paralyze it
> Gilean slices open the Beast’s back with the powerful Warforged greatsword, Bluehorn, exposing its spherical Source
> Mikaelo strolls around casually after being carried out of the epicenter by Kai-El the Warhorse. He later remembers—AGAIN—that he’s a magic user and heals up Smalls who had been twice hit with the Beast’s laser eyes

The party takes the spherical Source from the Beast’s back and returns the rectangular one to the Yünk who come storming through the epicenter once they realize the Beast has been defeated.

Roguish Rob, now essentially captured by the party offers his membership in the ORA. Miguera, who is already owed 1000 GP worth of…something…convinces Rob that her dagger is extremely magical and powerful and Rob takes it as payment for the first six months of his contract with the ORA. Smalls gives him a regular dagger, too.

In the distance, our heroes see smoke rising: Sterngate and LInette await.


What’s next for our tough little boys and girls? What’s the deal with Linette? Will the spherical Source reveal its secrets? Will Mikaelo finally use a spell without being prompted to do so? Find out next time on ORIGINAL RECIPE ANGELS.

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Chapter 6: Linette
Part 1

Weary from their ascent through the massive Mount Larry, the party rests atop the mountain with Ebby Leeway tied up at their side.

When they awake, they make their way down the mountain and, having been given instructions by Sarya yet again, make their way towards Sterngate, avoiding the trains. Once they set off, however, they notice something strange about the sky in the distance: it seems normal if you stand underneath the lightning rail’s raised tracks but if you step out from underneath them, away from the Seawall Mountains, it seems to become more and more orange as our heroes move forward. Intriguing…

As they move forward, they spot some strange statues that seem to be built entirely out of scrap metal. Each statue stands over 100 feet tall and depicts a woman with her arms outspread and her feet together.

With a little help from some clever scouting, the party observes that the statues become more and more dense the closer they are to a specific point in the distance, a point so dense with statues that no one can see what lies below them.

The party soon encounters three extremely strange constructs, also built out of scrap metal pieces. Each one has its own unique look and appears to specialize in a particular task or attribute. The most talkative one, Digger, has a large backhoe scoop instead of a right hand.
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The party learns from the Yunk that there is a beast stopping the Yunk from entering the center of their region (which they call the Yunkjarr’d). With some polite prying, the party deduces that the Yunk need to be near this center (called The Source by the Yunk) or they will be forced to constantly wind themselves up to continue functioning as normal. More importantly, this beast appears to be blocking the party from travelling to Sterngate.

A few stalwart heroes, riding on the back of a summoned eagle, perform a flyover of The Source to see what they can find. In the process, they are shot down by two crackling bolt of white-hot energy, destroying their eagle in a single blow. Luckily, the fall doesn’t kill them.

Seeing no way to avoid it, the party decides to travel around the entire Yunkjarr’d on their way to Sterngate and to instead pass by Dragonroost, a nearby town known to be fraught with conflict over the recent immigration of Cyran refugees.

Once they hit the threshold of the orange sky, however, all hell breaks loose. The party appears to have accidentally wandered into the middle of a full-on war between the citizens of Dragonroost (now expelled from their homes) and the refugees (who now hold the town of Dragonroost for themselves).

Despite some desperate and violent pleading for the fighting to stop, the war rages on. The party tries to explain their situation to nearby citizens but to no avail: the citizens do not appear to be able to see or comprehend the Yunkjarr’d and even physical interaction with the statues does not seem to convince them that anything is there. The party fumes.


MORE HIGHLIGHTS:
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That just about does it for this session of the ORA! What will happen next? What’s the deal with the laser beast? What will feed the next Dragonroost conflict? Will Digger ever stop needing his friends to wind him back up??? Find out next time on ORIGINAL RECIPE ANGELS.

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Chapter 5: Make Zolanberg Great Again
Part 7

Inside the Greytooth Jaw, our heroes are confronted with the head of Margaret the Outsider, formed entirely of grey crystals, jutting out of the cavern wall, demanding another dragonmarked. Tony soon realizes, partly by accident, that the dragon is speaking to Leeway and his entourage of SHMISIS bodyguards.

Tony tries to convince the guards of his own guard status and,when that fails, Smalls tries his whole House Ghallanda routine but it backfires as the SHMISIS members try to take him down and offer him to Margaret.

Mo’ga, in an unprecedented return, motions for Minister Chunk, the party’s guide, to create a protective bubble around the creatures in the Jaw so that the two of them can begin to assault Margaret. The party’s vision and hearing is largely distorted by the bubble but they can still see Mo’ga swing from the Jaw’s 90-foot ceiling, smashing the dragon’s snout with his mighty fists and ripping off any exposed appendages, including the tip of her tongue. Meanwhile, Chunk uses his 15-foot long staff, now embedded, in the wall, to create large rings of fire-red and deep blue.

The party can only stare in awe at the prowess of Snowy’s Angels as our heroes fight their own battle within the bubble, The guards valiantly defend Leeway, although it seems they have no choice as every blow that lands on Leeway is automatically deflected onto one of his allies. Captain Bozniak, the ill-fated captain whose tongue was cut out in the Jimmy Jam Club, zones in on Miguera’s voice and beelines for her.

He is stopped, however, by Water Bear, who has returned with two glowing green daggers and a hateful glare in his eyes as he struggles to get to Leeway.

Some highlights from the fight:
> Kai-El rips into dudes as a direwolf
> Gilean tries desperately to help his friends in as polite a manner as possible
> Itachi snipes
> Smalls trips Colonel Buffo in the most high school/effective way imaginable
> Miguera brags about teaching Dracob a dance
> Yonye dies (but not all the way)
> Tony smash

Once the dwarves are dispatched and Leeway is the last surviving SHMISIS member in the Jaw, the party questions him about his motives while Sarya Phiarlan, who has now appeared with a new BringMe Stone for the party, encourages them to kill him. She tells them that they will never learn if they don’t follow through. Itachi ends Leeway’s life as the dwarf’s wounds begin to seep blood. Sarya whispers something in Itachi’s ear and hands him a small pouch.

Mo’ga and Chunk disappear and the protective bubble around the party dissipates. It becomes obvious to the party that the cavern is collapsing so they beeline it for the exit, some more literally than others (Smalls carves through the stone with his Granite Grip, leaving a halfling-sized tunnel behind him).

Once they reach the icy column that they descended through, they are presented with a conundrum: how to climb 20,000 feet of sheer ice, straight up.

After a few exhausting solutions such as flying straight up with the help of some giant eagles and a young silver dragon and climbing some homemade ice steps made by said dragon, they form a small brain trust to deal with the problem. The solution is subtle, concise, and ingenious:

Forming a chamber of ice from Miguera’s dragon ice breath and a parachute using their cloaks and Yonye’s sewing skills, the team braces for the backdraft created by firing a fireball into the chamber and standing over the hole at the top.

The resulting force from the explosion and compressed air rockets them skywards, banging into each other and causing a few bumps and bruises. Their parachute only takes them so far, however, and they still have about 1000 feet to go by the time the hot air isn’t strong enough to hold them afloat.

Now hanging onto the side of the column with the hooks given to them by Chunk, they try to figure out a plan that doesn’t involve just climbing straight up. Kai-El summons sixteen monkeys but, not realizing that monkeys can’t grip sheer ice, watches as they plummet to their doom.

The party finally lands on simply climbing out of the column as it shrinks in around them. They make it to the top, exhausted but overjoyed to have managed such an incredible feat. A few of them spot, through the clouds that surround the mountain, the shape of Margaret the Outsider emerging from the ground, shaking off some crystals, and flying away.

Sarya appears beside them and says “Now see, wasn’t that better? Working together to solve a problem instead of us saving you?” She hands Smalls a simple scroll. With a now-revivified and bound Leeway by their side, the party falls into a well-deserved sleep at the very top of the Three Brothers, dreaming of what’s to come next.
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Miscellaneous Highlights:
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Well, so ends the madness that was Chapter 5: Make Zolanberg Great Again. What’s next for our weary adventurers? What was written on that scroll? What will Leeway reveal to them? Where did Margaret go? Why is Mo’ga so goddamn powerful when he was the same level as you guys???? Find out next time on ORIGINAL RECIPE ANGELS.

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Chapter 5: Make Zolanberg Great Again
Part 6

Our intrepid adventurers, lead by Minister Chunk, head towards The Three Brothers. Once they reach the famed peaks, the begin the arduous task of scaling the largest of the three: Larry.

Kai-El, once again, lays down a line of web from the spinnerets of his Giant Spider form, and makes his way up the dangerous crags and outcroppings. The party follows suit, although Tony takes a nasty tumble in the process.

Their journey stops, however, when Kai-El notices that they aren’t making nearly as much progress as they should be: for some reason, for every 100 feet of altitude they gain, they seem to only actually move two or three feet up. Puzzled but remembering the chicken paintings in Leeway’s penthouse, the party beings to move horizontally up the mountain, circling around to the dark side.

Kai-El, leading the group once again, is surprised by an enlarged Duergar who was apparently hiding behind a rock. The party gears up for a fight as Kai-El gets his footing. The ensuing battle is rocky but successful as Yonye scouts from atop a rock, Smalls and Gilean pierce the giant dwarf’s throat with arrows, and Tony licks his fall damage wounds.

After the battle, the party inspects the Duergar only to realize that they may have been fighting survival more than anything. Their bodies are emaciated and starved and their flesh is weak. No one seems to care as they loot the bodies with fervor.
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The party eventually makes it to the top of Larry only to find that they must now travel back down the mountain. Only this time, they go through the center of the mountain using a perfect cylinder that’s been cut into it. The drop is staggering, but Minister Chunk hands out a hand tool that provides the adventurers with the means to slow their descent if they use it properly.

Only a few of the party members take this advice to heart. Tony jumps in recklessly and is saved partly by his own warrior’s agility and partly by even more giant spiders, this time fey spirits controlled by Kai-El. Itachi dives down headfirst in the hopes to save Tony as well, is body tied to a rope at the surface, but instead bashes his body against the side of the cylinder. In the end, everyone reaches the bottom of the hole without dying. Chunk is exasperated. Also, Dracob made it somehow.

Before the party lies a dark labyrinth of tunnels and mysterious rooms, some of which seem very familiar. Smalls and Itachi successfully brave an undulating tunnel while the rest of the crew, with the help of some summoned pseudodragons, navigate an odd, breathing tunnel of freezing cold air. Some pseudodragons were harmed in the completion of this task.

The party wanders through the many halls and tunnels, confused by the ice coating the walls and ceiling but eager to find Leeway and end this long quest. The undulating tunnel crew find a strange note that reads “Don’t forget: S1KH4X” while the rest of the team encounters a room full of nasty, dangerous chittering sounds and an awful pen full of real-life chickens. Kai-El ponders the moral quandary of these animals’ fate as Tony flawlessly executes one and pockets the body, perhaps to make a tasty stew at a later date.

Our heroes, thanks to a pressurized cloud of methane gas, finally rendezvous and make their way to the downwards staircase at the northern end of the maze. Withh Gilean’s prowess in the Dwarven language, they open the spiked door that blocks their path and find themselves in a gargantuan, room-sized geode made of Greytooth.

As they marvel at the size and beauty of the room, a massive reptilian face forms from the crystals, the minerals shifting and clicking to form the teeth, snout, and piercing eyes of a dragon.

As the beast opens its mouth, it speaks in a calm, Common voice: “Who have you brought for me today?”
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Miscellaneous Highlights:
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Will the party be eaten by this rock-dragon-thing? Will the party finally deal with this troublesome Leeway character? Will Tony’s chicken taste as good as it looks? Find out next time of ORIGINAL RECIPE ANGELS.

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Chapter 5: Make Zolanberg Great Again
Part 5

Our heroes, trapped as they were in Leeway’s penthouse nightmare, are in a tizzy. Miguera and Dracob take quite a few blows from an angry mimic but manage to Dimension Door on out to safety. The others shamelessly collect gold and other random items from chests. They also manage to stave off some possessed armor using “teamwork.”

The party begins to panic as the door to their room begins to lower and expose them to the lava beyond. Itachi cleverly pushes the penthouse elevator’s call button with his mage hand, opening the elevator door and draining the magma from the penthouse.

The penthouse begins to lower back down through the clouds and lands back on top of the crumbling Leeway Tower. The party must figure out how to lower themselves safely down to the ground before the weight of the room collapses the building’s supports. Thanks to some druid spider magic from Kai-El, most of the party lowers themselves to the ground safely using his web. Kelennia finds this extremely troubling.

Now on terra firma, the gang meets up with Stephan the Chef again. He reveals that he doesn’t know exactly where his boss (Ebby Leeway) is but that he does often travel to the nearby mountains for meetings. The gang frog marches Stephan to the McMillan Mineral Refinery, enforced by a threatening bear formerly known as Kai-El. They’re investigating the fact that all the lights have been turned on again despite being empty and locked up a few days ago. Naturally, Smalls is in the lead. bear.jpg

Once there, they find a young member of the McMillan family, pompous and demanding. With the threat of a little violence, however, they quickly crack him and find out that he was sent here to make it look like the refinery was back in business, despite it’s continued failure. While ransacking the office, the party finds an announcement for a McMillan Corporation corporate retreat set to happen a few months from now in the resort town of Aruldusk.

Kai-El, still guarding Stephan in his bear form, sees Minister Chunk enter the refinery. Stephan, seeing a way out of this kidnapping, screams for help. Kai-El rips him to shreds. Chunk seems unfazed when he recognizes the party and doesn’t follow up the murder he’s just witnessed at all. He seems intent on helping the party sort out their situation with Leeway. He walks calmly towards the three peaks you see in the distance: The Three Brothers.
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MISC. HIGHLIGHTS
> feel free to add you own personal highlights here!
> Itachi boldly saves Kelennia with some spiderman-style acrobatics
> The Silvergem family’s warforged servant Gilean appears to inform Kelennia of her mother’s sickness, with great regret she leaves the party, but not before planting one on Itachi for saving her. Gilean takes her place in the party.
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Will Leeway finally get his comeuppance? Who is this “Garboss” Leeway reports to? Did Stephan perhaps know some cool recipes he and Tony could have bonded over? Find out next time on ORIGINAL RECIPE ANGELS.

Sorry this one was so late, guys. Of course, I’m sure I forgot a bunch of details and little funny things you guys did so definitely add them if you can remember!

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Chapter 5: Make Zolanberg Great Again
Part 4

Our heroes, trapped in the Leeway penthouse miles above the city of Zolanberg (perhaps?), face an ominous threat: a draconic voice counting down from 23:59:59. The party quickly deduces that the voice is giving them a day to sort things out before…something…happens.

The party accomplishes much in the following twenty-four hours.

HIGHLIGHTS FROMTHE LAST 24 HOURS”:

  • after Miguera discovers a mysterious, signed letter “G” on the back of the paintings in the penthouse, the party investigates further. Thanks to Itachi’s knowledge of art and his keen eye, the party sorts the paintings into the order they were meant to be placed in. They discover a strange tableau of chickens and mountains with an ominous grey geode in the center
  • Leeway’s bed is destroyed with extreme prejudice
  • Yonye slowly deciphers a notebook filled with Dwarvish and Draconic blueprints for some sort of defense mechanism guarding…somewhere
  • Tony and Miguera are disgusted by the half kitchen sink/half vanity sink
  • everyone tears apart everything. Smalls rips apart a decorative dresser for apparently no reason
  • in order to grant Enzo access to the penthouse, the party uses Kai El’s elevator spider-bomb to blow a hole in the ceiling and floor. When Enzo uses Bluehorn as a step, Itachi has a vision of a tree, a beautiful tree surrounded by a horrid, desolate waste land.
  • the party rests sporadically. Kelennia rests way less but still has to rest because meditating does not make your short rest a long rest, goddammit.

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As the counter approaches zero, the party prepares themselves for the worst. In the final minutes, the furniture in the room becomes red hot, suspended magma, ready to lose its shape and fill the room at any second. As the party steps into the floating rooms connected to the penthouse, the timer reaches zero and the furniture loses its physical form, creating a thick layer of lava on the floor of the penthouse.

The party turns to face their individual rooms: Miguera in the southern room, everyone else in the other. The rooms are filled suddenly filled with suits of armor, treasure chests, and strange rugs.

As the room with everyone in it is slowly explored, it becomes apparent that the treasure chests are all full of wonderful treasure! The party collects it greedily.

Miguera’s room, however, is a bit more hostile. Her first encounter with a treasure chest reveals it to be a mimic. She is instantly attacked. Of course.

Somewhere far, far away, a cup of water is spilled and a group of people have to stop for the night.
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MISC. HIGHLIGHTS:
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Seems like the ORA are in a real pickle this time! Will the party gorge on gold and wine only to find that material wealth leads to an empty existence? Will Miguera literally be murdered before anyone can save her? Will they ever figure out what the hell is going on in Zolanberg?

Find out next when our intrepid adventurers gather for another session of the ORIGINAL RECIPE ANGELS.

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Chapter 5: Make Zolanberg Great Again
Part 3

Our stalwart group of heroes, minus a few notables, confront Colonel Buffo and Water Bear in the Colonel’s hotel room and, through the magic of hypnosis, manage to get the key to his Nulloffice (the one in the Old MacDonald Warehouse). The party also begins to understand that the mayoral candidate Ebby Leeway is in fact second-in-command in the terrorist group SHMISIS, answering only to the seldom-seen “GarBoss”.

With this new information, the party decides to split up: Yonya, Smalls, Miguera, and Kai El choose to stay at the hotel and figure out how to infiltrate Leeway’s penthouse at the top of the tower while Itachi, Lonzo, Kelennia, and Tony head back to the warehouse to investigate the Colonel’s office.

Inside the office, our heroes find a number of things, including blueprints (with draconic runes) for the chains and magical tables that each gnome slave in the building is paired with. They also find a large switchboard which, after some arguing with a lying gnome, gets manipulated to free the gnomes from their chains. Tony and Kelennia are also blasted with a security device when they try to break into the desk, blurring their vision and their minds.

Back at the hotel, our party is in the middle of breaking into the inner workings of the hotel, stealthing through kitchens, eating cheesecake, and melting hatches in freezers. The plan they finally settle on—seeing as they can’t get to the penthouse using the elevator—is to use Alchemist’s Fire to start a blaze that will drive all the patrons out of the hotel, therefore giving them a chance to…do something. That plan wasn’t totally clear. The Alchemist’s Fire does manage to hit some sort of gas line, though, and the ensuing explosion has the desired effect as dozens of the hotel’s patrons start filing into the streets, marveling at the massive purple flames. Mikaelo shows up at this point, munching a kebob and appearing mildly concerned at the sight of the flaming building.

As the gnomes file out of the warehouse, the party makes sure to give the lying gnome his just rewards, including gluing him to the ground and a swift kick to his soft gnome body. The party then quickly jumps back to the hotel using the Gem Disc that Itachi acquired from Lonzo.

The scene at the hotel is getting a bit grim. As the team attempts to subdue the tension in the crowd (Tony scares some folks, Yonya strips, Smalls discusses House Ghallanda with Stephan (Leeway’s personal chef) the usual deal), things start getting out of hand. Itachi attempts to scale the building (the 750 foot building) but quickly plummets to his doom, saved only by the grace of Kai-El’s bird buddies.
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Thinking quickly, our resident druid transforms into a giant spider and darts up the side of the building, covering ground faster than the party ever could as their usual humanoid selves. He cleverly leaves a trail of non-sticky web behind for the rest of the crew to climb up. Needless to say, Kelennia takes some convincing.

Once on top of the building (and directly on top of the penthouse), our small band of adventurers begins to plot out the most elaborate maneuver they’ve ever attempted. There were plenty of arguments and booby-trapped elevator shafts and magic growth hormones consumed and windows broken. In the end, the party manages to infiltrate the penthouse, dispatch the dwarven guards, and work out that what they thought was Leeway casually sitting on his couch was in fact only the illusion of him. His image laughs smugly and says only: “Hmpf. Sad.”

HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE FIGHT:

  • Tony destroys multiple dwarven bodyguards with massive blows from his gargantuan arms
  • Kai-El and his bird friends claw the eyes out of some more dwarves
  • Mikaelo swings again and again and lands a blow, finally
  • Miguera brings some furniture to life, creating the world’s most dangerous living room set
  • Kelennia is tortured by a familiar female voice, taunting her
  • There are some familiar paintings on the walls of chickens in various states of amusement as well as a strange painting of a beautiful grey geode

Once the fight is over and piles of dead dwarves litter the penthouse, the team hears Leeway’s voice over the intercom:

“What do you guys think of my penthouse? I had a very good…interior designer.”

The shattered windows rebuild themselves and the floor of the penthouse becomes transparent. The party now realizes that they are floating far more than 750 feet in the air, hovering precariously over the city of Zolanberg.

Our heroes watch as two transparent, room-sized boxes float down from the clouds and position themselves one on either side of the penthouse, each attaching one of their walls to two opposite windows of the penthouse. The windows then peel back, revealing an entrance into these strange rooms.

Battle-worn and weary, the adventurers stare confusedly at this new development. As they stand around, wiping dwarf blood from their hands, a sharp, repetitive sound fills the room:

”Tick…tick…tick…”
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MISCELLANEOUS HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Lonzo leaves Itachi after they manage to free the gnomes from slavery. Itachi takes his hat back.
  • Tony misses out on the kitchen scene, disappointing the DM cause I think he’s a chef or something
  • Smalls summersaults majestically into the hotel kitchen then proceeds to not be able to see anything
  • Mikaelo strolls up casually
  • FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN HERE
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    Oooooh, what’s gonna happen next? Will Ebby Leeway lead the party to this mysterious “GarBoss”? Will Kelennia continue to suffer from her strange tormenter? Will Dracob suffer PTSD from the massive amount of bloodshed he just witnessed? Find out next time on SNOWY’S ANGELS.
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Chapter 5: Make Zolanberg Great Again
Part 2

Our newly “kidnapped” party members are marched to the Old MacDonald Warehouse where they’re met with the only two guards that seem to work here, day in, day out. The warehouse is full of shackled gnomes slowly working away on bits of black rock, chiseling out small precious gems.

Kelennia is interrogated first by the guards, one of which is Tony Bourdain, the chef-turned- SHMISIS-guard whose taste is impeccable when it comes to pastries. After a drawn-out and relatively fruitless investigation, the guards decide to shackle up Kelennia alongside the gnomes and toss her up on one of the shelves. Meanwhile, Kai-El, having observed this entire ordeal from afar, has snuck up onto the warehouse’s roof disguised as a simple (but ugly) spider.

Next to be interviewed is Smalls, who presents himselfs as Reugen Mote (of House Ghallanda) and proceeds to appeal to the guards’ better nature. With the help of Miguera, who is now emulating yet another SHMISIS officer, they manage to convince the dwarves that Smalls is harmless. Tony establishes a weird sort of authoritativeness over the situation, possibly by accident.

Itachi, meanwhile, has characteristically stuck to the shadows and begun to investigate on his own. He soon discovers an old gnome named Lonzo and learns that the slaves held in the warehouse were largely taken from the nearby town of Tarandro, a gnomish trade town run by House Sivis. About eight months ago, gnomes began to disappear from town but, as House Sivis is not a particularly strong military house, they have been unable to find out exactly what’s been happening to these gnomes.
gems.jpgBack in the “interrogation room”, the two guards are distracted by Kelennia kicking rocks off her shelf and leave to investigate. Before they can figure out what’s going on, Kelennia hits one of the guards with a series of punishing Witch Bolts while Smalls and Miguera make short work of the other guard, taking out his Achilles tendon in a series of devastating blows. They eventually subdue the other guard before he can sound the alarm that would call in the Colonel for backup.

Itachi makes a deal with Lonzo and, after finding out that he may have in fact been seriously cursed by Katherine the Lightning Elemental, he helps the old gnome escape his shackles and is gifted with a strange, circular piece of slate. Itachi later finds out that this slate acts as some sort of door to another slate disc which is placed high up on the top shelf of the warehouse. He finds a bunch of hidden gems there.

After grilling the two guards and, in Tony’s case, straight up beating the living daylights out of one of them, they find out that there’s some sort of dimensional doorway they need to find in order to save the gnomes in the warehouse and, consequently, deal a signifciant blow to SHMISIS, the group they’ve been instructed to take down. They have two options: sound the alarm and call the Colonel (the only one with the means to enter the doorway) or seek the Colonel out in his hotel room at Leeway Tower. They choose the latter.

Once inside the lobby of the hotel, a series of hijinx unfolds which involve a rather obnoxious character of Smalls’ known as Bwiddeldy Widdowcox (Owchemist Extwoah-deenaire) and his entoowage, Itachi and Kelennia, both concealing their true identities. Also, Lonzo is riding on Itachi’s shoulders this whole time.

Kai-El intelligently disguises himself as a spider in order to figure out which room the Colonel is in but soon realizes that he might not be as strong as he thinks he is and is almost crushed by the very book he’s investigating. Miguera un-invisibles herself only to polymorph the hotel’s receptionist into a spider and disguise herself as the receptionist using her bardic magicks. Miguera follows up this move by promptly crushing the once-dwarven woman beneath her heel. The party pauses in awe and fear at this sudden turn.

Kai-El quickly finds the room the Colonel is staying in and, upon entering it, the party sees a strange sight: two figures sit in quiet conversation on the bed. One is clearly the Colonel while the other, a now-eerily-familiar dwarven druid, sits beside him.
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What will happen next time? Will Kai-El come to harness the true power of the spider? Will Lonzo ever shut up about his dumb life? Will Miguera continue her slow and violent descent into Chaotic Evil?

Find out next time on SNOWY’S ANGELS!

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Chapter 5: Make Zolanberg Great Again
Part 1

Our rugged adventurers, having been all knocked out by Kelly the Skinreaper aboard the Elemental Express, wake up safe and sound in the Economy Class car, the train having now stopped in Zolanberg. The party members soon learn from Astrid that the flashes of silver they saw as they slipped into dreamland were in fact Astrid’s chrome armor and warmhammer making short work of the strange skeleton creature. She is not impressed at the party’s inability to cope with the simple tasks that she gives them. Enzo takes over as Astrid disappears in a puff of disappointment.

Enzo hands out his customary items to the party but it’s clear he’s distressed about something. Before he leaves, he asks them a favour: “If you see Larry, tell him I found the tree and they know.”

The party wanders into Zolanberg and is met by a Department of Tourism Dwarf that hands out maps to the town. She also slips in a political pamphlet promoting a mayoral candidate named “Ebby Leeway” with the slogan “Make Zolanberg Great Again”.

The adventurers make their way to the BonBon District with a clue from Astrid about the recruiting ring operating in the Jimmy Jam Club.After looting a number of closed stores in the district for clothing, they enter the Club dressed in nightwear (Itachi sneaks in through the back to avoid the cover charge and, frankly, because he can).

After a few of our heroes check their equipment, scope out the joint, and have a few drinks, they start to investigate the club. They meet the bartender, She-Bird, and gather that something shady is going on in the basement. Smalls, Mikaelo, and Kelennia investigate the manager’s office and meet Lorna, the elven manager and owner of the Jimmy Jam Club. She explains to them that times are tough right now due to some shitty investment antics from Ebby Leeway and that she needs to lease out her basement to the SHMISIS recruiting ring just to stay afloat. With a combination of Smalls’ silver tongue and Kelennia and Mikaelo’s impressive presence in the room, Lorna agrees to allow them downstairs under the promise of some sort of financial reward.
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On the way down to the basement, the trio from the manager’s office are met by Water Bear, a dwarven druid who has a strong interest in joining SHMISIS, although the party can’t tell exactly why. He needs help, he explains, passing the written exam. The party agrees to help him, out of what seems largely like pity. He takes a strong liking to Mikaelo and sticks close to him for the rest of the night.

The party moves past Clefty the Bouncer and down to the basement. What they see is a largely dwarven group of people lining up to take a written test as a SHMISIS captain (also a dwarf) observes the potential new recruits. The party nabs a test each and fills out their answers, to the best of their ability. A few don’t pass the test, although Water Bear does an excellent job thanks to the large amount of group Message-ing that happens. He warms to Mikaelo even more.

After the few party members that don’t pass are asked to leave (and promptly turn invisible in order to re-enter the room), there is a strange game of dwarves vs. non-dwarves Red Rover where, if your knees touch the ground, you’re kicked out. However, only non-dwarves are actually asked to leave when they’re “out”; everyone else is physically removed.

Miguera, after waiting patiently with a somewhat absent (and probably still buzzed) Yonye, decides to take matters into her own hands. With some telepathic help from Itachi, she manages to both knock out the captain in secret and take his place before anyone notices.

In an attempt to save her friends from being removed from SHMISIS entirely, she agrees to take them to “the warehouse”. Itachi, Kelennia, and Smalls are all restrained and frog-marched over to the industrial district with Yonye not far behind, still invisible. Mikaelo was eliminated from the recruiting process and is now nowhere to be found. Water Bear joined the other dwarves who were eliminated, presumably to continue the recruiting process.

When the party reaches the Old MacDonald Warehouse, they’re greeted with a terrifying sight: floors upon floors of Gnomes, all of them restrained, all of them chipping away at small blocks of rock, all of them looking horribly, horribly sad.
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HIGHLIGHTS

- Smalls pulls out another one of his disguises, a Gnome Alchemist with an accent so thick no one could understand him. His attempt to sell rotting hotdogs to a poor meat merchant is unsuccessful, so he sneaks off and murders the merchant instead

- Yonye and Kelennia get their shopping-spree-montage on and steal an absurd amount of clothing

- Miguera leaves a gold piece at one store in exchange for a small t-shirt for Dracob, which reads “I’d love to grab a drink but I can’t I’m a Miner”

- Mikaelo and Miguera invent a secret handshake to pass the time while theivery and murder happens

- the party changes into several sleeping outfits once they realize that the Jimmy Jam club has a sleepwear dresscode

- Yonye and Itachi try to have a heart-to-heart with Miguera, who becomes visibly upset at the sight of She-Bird. Miguera instead acts like a little bit of a dick and refuses comfort, which pisses Yonye off

- Mikaelo is too lawful to pass the SCHMISIS test and leaves with classic stoicism

- at the end of the battle, Miguera (disguised as the captain) asks Yonye (still invisible) to take Dracob and follow their unconscious party members. Yonye instead hides near the stairs and watches as Miguera cuts out the unconscious captain’s tongue, uses a Healing Word to stop the bleeding, and writes a note that insinuates an Aarakocra did this evil deed.

- After doing that though Miguera still has some of the highest honour in the group (aw yiss)


What will happen next time? Will Miguera explain what her strange beef was with the bird lady at the bar? Will Mikaelo turn up to save the day? Will Kelennia bail on her new bouncer gig without even getting paid for the half hour that she actually worked??? Find out next time on SNOWY’S ANGELS.

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Chapter 4: The Elemental Express
Part 4

Our heroes try to wrangle in the last of the lightning elementals as Snowy's Angels subdue Big Greg using some of Craig's fancy net magic. In order for the other elementals to jump back into their Lightning Posts, however, the party has to pull out all the stops:

  1. Miguera nearly loses a leg jumping through the Magical Rubberized Barrier to Reg Greg's room.
  2. Mikaelo's body is robbed of electricity completely as he tries to convince Little Greg to go back to his post. Our hero's Half-Orc resilience keeps him alive, just barely.
  3. Itachi constructs an elaborate way to allow Katherine the elemental to see his eyes once she re-enters her post. It's possible he was cursed by this but there's no way to tell. 
  4. Smalls stands by as Harry the elemental is forced into his post by Craig and Minister Chunk. There was some yelling and dick measuring but Smalls comes out on top.
  5. Kelennia tries to bargain with Ira, an irate elemental who demands to be let out of his pen. 
  6. Miguera shamelessly flirts with Bash Hammerforge who is easily won over by her forthcoming nature. 
  7. Mikaelo throws his axe at Ira but misses, embedding it in Jumpy O'Griefer's leg. Pain ensues.
  8. Smalls looks at tools on a shelf.

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Once the elementals are all back in their rightful places, Itachi figures out a way to replace the missing control panel with his dagger and our heroes join Snowy's Angels in the First Class Dining car. Mo'ga welcomes them happily; he even remembers his and Miguera's secret handshake. 

The heroes catch up on what they've been doing for the past little while. We learn that Snowy is perhaps older than he seems and that this group of half-orcs has been friends with the cat for much longer than the Southern Island Crew has. 

Interrupting their conversation, Sarya appears and tells Snowy's Angels that they have to go: they can't wait for the train to start moving again. Killer pulls out a barbed longsword (lovingly dubbed "Snowy's Penis" by our heroes) and literally cuts a hole in the side of the dining car. The Angels jump out and slide down the strut of the bridge that the train is currently stuck on. Before she leaves, Sarya tells our heroes that they need to gather information from the robed figure that haunts the train, information about Margaret the Silver Dragon

Soon after, the party is confronted by the mysterious black figure they had heard about from the passengers. He offers them a chance to rest which they do not take, then disappears. The other passengers reappear soon after. 

With some help from Miguera's keen eyes, Smalls manages to start the train again, starting of course at full speed. After collecting themselves, the party members are individually threatened by the black-robed figure. They are shown images that chill them to their very core:

  1. Kelennia is shown an image of the figure lighting Kelennia's mother on fire.
  2. Itachi is shown images of what his life would be like without his precious Mage Hand.
  3. Mikaelo's head is filled with thoughts of caring about things and losing his neutrality
  4. Miguera sees herself singing in the shower, slowly losing her ability to sing in tune, then looking in the mirror to realize that her beard has disappeared. 
  5. Smalls is shown a world where, upon meeting his long-lost family members, he isn't actually "kind of tall for a halfling"

The figure's voice goads them to kill themselves in the face of these bleak outcomes. He tells them that they need only give up one of their skins and he'll leave them alone. He even promises to bring them back to life as a SkinDog. 

Still, the party remains strong and chooses to fight the figure when he appears in the control car. Itachi and Smalls pull off a sick combo move and Smalls manages to puncture some of the figure's exposed organs (he's a skeleton dude) with his blades. Unfortunately, the rogue duo are gravely wounded as the figure's head-mouth opens up and chews their faces to bits, but not before Malicious “Smalls” Wrongdoey managed head-butt his bony punk-ass . 

The fight is grand but the figure shows no sign of weakening as he takes out the tired party members one by one. As the party lay on the floor of the train, death creeping into their eyes, they see flashes of silver around them and the sound of metal on metal as The Elemental Express hurdles towards Zolanberg at full speed.

What will happen to our fallen adventurers? What were those flashes of silver? Will Bash ever come back for Miguera? Is Kelennia's mother really dead? ARE ITACHI'S EYES CURSED NOW??? Find out next time in Chapter 5: Make Eberron Great Again!

Feel free to add/edit/change/rearrange!

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